Are you on the lookout for some funny insults and comebacks. Then you’ve landed in the right place! Here are some cool examples of the same that are bound to make you break into a smile.
Funny Insults
• You are a day late and a dollar short.
• Any friend of yours – is a friend of yours.
• Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?
• If you spoke your mind, you’d be speechless.
• If people stand close enough to you, they must be able to hear the ocean.
• If you were twice as smart, you’d still be stupid.
• Keep talking. I always yawn when I’m interested.
• Ordinarily people live and learn. You just live.
• Whatever is eating at you – must be suffering horribly.
• You are so dumb, you stand on a chair to raise your IQ.
• You are so old, even your memory is in black and white.
• You are very smart. You have brains you never used.
• You got more issues than National Geographic!
• You must have a very large brain to hold so much ignorance.
• You are a black-and-white mind working on a color-coded problem.
• You are a couple of slates short of a full roof.
• You are a couplet short of a sonnet.
• A rejection letter from MENSA wouldn’t be too much of a surprise for you now, would it?
• A sharp tongue does not mean you have a keen mind.
• All day I thought of you… I was at the zoo.
• Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.
• Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today?
• Are you always an idiot, or just when I’m around?
• Are your parents siblings?
• As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
• Before you came along we were hungry. Now we are fed up.
• Believe me, I don’t want to make a monkey out of you. Why should I take all the credit?
• Brains aren’t everything. In fact in your case they’re nothing.
• Calling you an idiot would be an insult to all the stupid people.
• Don’t you have a terribly empty feeling – in your skull?
• Don’t you need a license to be that ugly?
• Don’t be ignorant all your life, take a day off!
• Ever since I saw you in your family tree, I’ve wanted to cut it down.
• For two cents, I’d give you a piece of my mind – and all of yours.
• Have you considered suing your brains for non-support?
• He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot.
•Hey, I heard you went to the butcher and asked for 10 cents worth of dog meat and he asked you if you wanted it wrapped or if you would eat it on the spot.
• How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?
• I don’t know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
• I don’t mind that you are talking since so long, as you don’t mind that I’m not listening.
• I don’t think you are a fool. But then, what’s my own humble opinion against thousands of others?
•I hear that when your mother first saw you, she decided to leave you on the front steps of a police station while she turned herself in.
• I hear that when you were a child, your mother wanted to hire someone to take care of you, but the Mafia wanted too much.
• I hear the only place you are ever invited is outside.
• I hear you are being accepted into an exclusive club because they need someone to snub.
• I hear you are connected to the Police Department – by a pair of handcuffs.
• I hear you changed your mind! What did you do with the diaper?
Sarcastic Insults
• I heard that when you were born, your father threw rocks at the stork.
• I heard that you went to the haunted house and they offered you a job.
• I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!
• I heard you went to see the doctor and told him that you wanted a little wart removed; so he had you thrown out of his office.
• I heard you went to a freak show and got in free!
• I heard your parents took you to a dog show and you won.
• I know you are nobody’s fool, but maybe someone will adopt you.
• I refuse to engage in a battle of wits, as I will not take advantage of the handicapped.
• I reprimanded my brother for mimicking you. I told him not to act like a fool.
• I researched your entire family tree and it seems you were the sap.
• I think Mother Nature really hates you because you remind her so much of all her mistakes!
• I used to think that you were a big pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you.
• I wish your charm could be bottled – then a cork could be put on it.
• I would ask you how old you are, but I know you can’t count that high.
• I would like the pleasure of your company, but it only gives me displeasure.
• I would love to beat you up, but I have a problem with cruelty to dumb animals.
• I would say that you are barking up the wrong tree, but that is your natural voice.
• I’d like to leave you with one thought…but I’m not sure you have anywhere to put it!
• I’m looking forward to the pleasure of your company since I haven’t had it yet.
• If I ever need a brain transplant, I’d choose yours because I’d want a brain that had never been used.
• If I said anything to you that I should be sorry for, I’m glad.
• If I told you that I have a piece of dirt in my eye, would you move?
• If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person on earth.
• If Moses had seen your face, there would have been another commandment.
• If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn’t be murder; it would be genocide!
• If you ever had a bright idea, it would be beginner’s luck!
• If you were orphaned when you were a child, I feel sorry for you, but not for your parents.
• If your brain was chocolate it wouldn’t fill an M&M.
• Is your name Dan Druff? You get into people’s hair.
• Is your name Laryngitis? You’re a pain in the neck.
• Let’s play ‘house’. You be the door and I’ll slam you.
• Look, don’t go to a mind reader; go to a palm reader; I know you’ve got a palm.
• Looking at you, I realize what a waste of skin you are.
• Moonlight becomes you – total darkness even more!
• Nobody says that you are dumb. They just say you were sixteen years old before you learned how to wave goodbye.
• Our friendship is like that of a dog to a fire hydrant.
• People can’t say that you have absolutely nothing! After all, you have inferiority!
• People have every right to be ugly, but you abuse the privilege!
• People say that you are the perfect idiot. I say that you are not perfect, but you are doing alright.
• So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.
• This is no battle of wits between you and me. I never pick on somebody who is unarmed.
• Thank you, we’re all challenged by your unique point of view.
• There are several people in this world that I find obnoxious and you are all of them.
• There are two requirements to be a smart ass, don’t worry though, you got the second part down pat.
• There is no vaccine against stupidity.
• There was something about you that I liked, but you spent it.
• They say opposites attract. I hope you meet someone who is good-looking, intelligent, and cultured.
• They say that two heads are better than one. In your case, one would have been better than none.
• We all spring from apes, but you didn’t spring far enough.
• We do not complain about your shortcomings, but about your long sayings.
• We heard that when you ran away from home your folks sent you a note saying, do not come home and all will be forgiven.
Putdowns
• We think of you when we are lonely. Then we are content to be alone.
• What’s the latest dope – besides you?
• Whatever anyone says to you goes in one ear and out the other because nothing is blocking traffic.
• When I want your opinion, I’ll rattle your cage!
• When they made you, they broke the mold – and beat the mold maker.
• When you die, I’d like to go to your funeral, but I’ll probably have to go to work that day. I believe in business before pleasure.
• When you get to the men’s room, you will see a sign that says, ‘Gentlemen’. Pay no heed to it. Go right in.
• When you go to the mind reader, do you get half price?
• When you pass away and people ask me what the cause of your death was, I’ll say it was your stupidity.
• When you talk, other people get hoarse just listening.
• Why don’t you go to the library and brush up on your ignorance?
• Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable… like a coma.
• You are not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately.
• You are so dishonest that I can’t even be sure that what you tell me are lies!
• You are so dumb, you need a cue card to say Huh?
• You are so dumb, you need instructions on how to use a rocking chair.
• You are so dumb, you planted a dogwood tree and expected a litter of puppies.
• You are so dumb, you play solitaire… for cash.
• You are so old, if you to acted your age, you’d die.
• You are so old, when you were a kid rainbows were black and white.
• You are so old, you sat next to Jesus in school.
• You are so old, you walked into an antique shop and they sold you.
• You are so stupid, you’d trip over a cordless phone.
• You are so stupid that if I gave you a penny for your intelligence, I’d get change back.
• You may be a beautiful person on the inside, too bad you were born on the outside!
• You must be from the shallow end of the gene pool.
• You must be the arithmetic man – you add trouble, subtract pleasure, divide attention, and multiply ignorance.
• You must have a low opinion of people if you think they’re your equals.
• You must have gotten up on the wrong side of the cage this morning.
• You never strike out blindly; you fail in the light.
• Yours was an unnatural birth; you came from a human being.
Comebacks Against Cheesy Pickup Lines
Guy: I’m all you’ve got cutie pie.
Girl: Then I must not have a lot.
Guy: Haven’t I seen you someplace before?
Girl: Yeah, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.
Guy: So what do you do for a living?
Girl: Female impersonator.
Guy: Is this seat empty?
Girl: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.
Guy: I’d like to call you. What’s your number?
Girl: It’s in the phone book.
Guy: But I don’t know your name.
Girl: That’s in the phone book too.
Guy: So, wanna go back to my place?
Girl: Well, I don’t know, will two people fit under a rock?
Guy: What sign were you born under?
Girl: No Parking.
Guy: Haven’t we met before?
Girl: Yes, I’m the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic.
Guy: I want to give myself to you.
Girl: Sorry, I don’t accept cheap gifts.
Guy: I can tell that you want me.
Girl: Ohhhh. You’re so right. I want you… to leave.
Guy: Hey, baby, What’s your sign?
Girl: Stop.
Guy: Hey cutie, how ’bout you and I hitting the hot spots?
Girl: Sorry, I don’t date outside my species.
Guy: May I see you pretty soon?
Girl: Why? Don’t you think I’m pretty now?
Guy: I’d go through anything for you.
Girl: Good! Let’s start with your bank account.
Guy: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Girl: Yes, but would you stay there?
Guy: Haven’t I seen you someplace before?
Girl: Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.
Guy: Your place or mine?
Girl: Both. You go to yours and I’ll go to mine.
Guy: Does beauty run in your family?
Girl: It obviously doesn’t in yours!
Guy: What’s your name sexy?
Girl: Taken!
Guy: Do you believe in love at first sight or do you want me to walk by again?
Girl: Yeah, but this time don’t stop!
Guy: I think you’re the best looking girl in here.
Girl: Really? Well, I’d better go find the best looking guy then!
Guy: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: Go ahead, but only if you buy my boyfriend one too!
Guy: I can see forever in your eyes.
Girl: But all I can see is never in yours.
Guy: I would die for you…
Girl: Prove it!
Guy: So, how do you like your eggs in the morning?
Girl: Unfertilized.
Guy: Do you want to dance?
Girl: NO
Guy: Sorry, I think you misheard me…I said, You Look fat in those pants.
Guy: Your Ugly.
Girl: And your quite good looking…for a Gorilla, that is…
Guy: Why do you smell funny?
Girl: It’s called soap – don’t think you’ve ever smelt it before…
Comebacks for Insulted Men
Girl: I’ve just come back from the beauticians.
Guy: Pity it was closed…
Girl: Darling, do you think I’ll lose my looks as I get older?
Guy: With luck, yes.
Girl: Shall I put the TV on?
Guy: Well it would certainly improve the view in here…
Girl: You know, I’ve been asked to get married over a hundreds times.
Guy: Yeah, but your parents don’t count…
Girl: I love biscuits…
Guy: That’s because you’re crackers!
Guy: Would you like to dance?
Girl: Not with you.
Guy: Oh, come on. Lower your standards a little, I just did.
Girl: You’re so fat!
Guy: Hey, I may be fat, but you’ll always be ugly, and I can diet!
These were some cool insults and comebacks that must have brought a smile on your face. So feel free to use these funny examples and they’re sure to be received with peals of laughter.
