Funny Things to Say and Bring a Twist Into the Conversation

Funny Things to Say
Everyone loves a good laugh now and then, and the best way to get this reaction is by knowing a few witty things to say. The best one liners are those that are instinctively made up on the spot, but it surely won't hurt to skim through a few others.
SocialMettle Staff
Last Updated: Mar 12, 2018
Laughter is indeed the best medicine, and there is no better way to break the ice with someone or disrupt an awkward moment of silence than by coming up with some funny, witty remarks. Humor is a dying breed in today's times. It often gets misconstrued and presumed for something else, but the truly funny people always shine through with their humor. There are so many people who are trying hard to be funny, that genuine humor is really getting lost in translation. Simply knowing some funny things to say is not good enough, as their timing and application is far more important. Remember that sometimes, silence is funnier than some mindless words spoken in a bland attempt at humor.

The best part about humor is that it can be applied pretty much anywhere. There are some occasions that are obviously more apt for certain lines, but knowing when to say what is a very important attribute that unfortunately, not everyone is blessed with. Over time though, one begins to recognize these situations more easily and clearly. You can come up with funny things at home, at school, at work, with your friends, parents, lovers, or even with random strangers. The point is to make them laugh by saying something really funny and out of the box.

Here are some examples of funny things that you can say, but these are just general guidelines of sorts. Blindly reciting them at inopportune moments would just be inappropriate, so judge each moment individually.

Funny Things to Say to People
  • Beauty lies in the eye of the beer holder.
  • If at first, you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
  • If at first, you don't succeed, failure may be your style.
  • If at first, you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
  • Lord, save me from your followers.
  • God must love stupid people, he made so many.
  • I said "NO" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
  • Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
  • He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
  • Impotence: Nature's way of saying "no hard feelings".
  • Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
  • To all you virgins. Thanks for nothing.
  • If we quit voting will they all go away?
  • Alcohol and Calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
  • 5 days a week, my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.
  • WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
  • I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
  • Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
  • I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
  • If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
  • Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students.
  • My karma ran over my dogma.
  • Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
  • We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
  • Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
  • There are 3 kinds of people. Those who can count, and those who can't.
  • There's too much blood in my alcohol system.
  • I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
  • It's a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.
  • The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going down.
  • Sometimes, the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.
  • When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
  • No one needs a vacation more than the person who just had one.
  • When in charge, ponder. When in trouble, delegate. When in doubt, mumble.
  • Equal opportunity means everyone will have a fair chance at being incompetent.
  • We owe a lot to Thomas Edison; if it wasn't for him, we would be watching TV by candlelight.
  • For every action, there is an equal and opposite Government program.
  • Take my advice! I'm not using it.
  • I've developed a new philosophy; I only dread one day at a time.
  • Saw it, wanted it, had a fit, got it.
There are thousands of witty and hilarious things to say. All it takes is a little creativity and originality. The trick is to not have any fixed dogmas or prejudices in one's mind. Just be open to new ideas and people. Humor can be developed and nurtured over a period of time, and fortunately, it will never get stale.
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